How to Make Friends with Anyone

It’s a great irony that even as the internet has connected the whole world, making us closer to each other than ever in a way, loneliness is one of the largest epidemics of our time. When I was a child, I lived in a small town, and I have fond memories of how closely we lived then. Not only did everyone know everyone, it was common for friends to wander by in the afternoon, once work was done. We might be out sitting on the porch or playing in the yard, and then here comes this friend or that, just stopping by to see how we’re doing or get a game of something going.

From where I’m sitting, there’s a lot less of that these days. I live in a big house near Nashville now, with only one real neighbor, and there’s a line of trees between our houses for privacy, so I’ve hardly met them at all. Besides my family, most of the talking I do everyday is over the phone, for work. And I love my work, but I do still feel a sense of loss. In the past few decades, personal space seems to have become more… rigid. Less permeable. It takes a more deliberate effort now to spend time with friends, and especially to make new ones.

I will spare you the usual advice about finding avenues and activities in which to meet new people, or meet up with old ones. Presumably you’ve heard it elsewhere. I want to talk about what happens next.

My mother was a saleswoman for Sears, back when Sears was the largest company of its kind in the world, and she routinely ranked as their top salesperson in the country. She told me her tricks once, and I’ve never forgotten. Today, I’d like to pass them on to all of you.

The first step, she said, was to care more about the person than the sale. That might not sound too applicable when you’re just trying to meet people or spend time with friends, but it is—because there’s always something you want, even if it’s not something tangible: to talk about a subject that interests you, for example, or to find a new group to socialize with. The goal is the other person, not whatever you think will give you satisfaction in that moment. So that’s part one.

Part two is to keep asking questions until you find the thing that makes their eyes light up, whatever that is. It might be football, or video games, or philosophy, or programming. I knew a man once whose thing was chain-link fences. Hey, to each his own.

Once you find that passion, you have a point of connection. Of course, most of the time it won’t be a passion that you share, at least to the same degree. The main thing, I think, is not to pretend that you do, not to merely act interested in what they’re saying. Often, if you ask a few basic questions about why they love these things, you’ll find a fascinating person underneath.

I’m also reminded of something C.S. Lewis once wrote in Mere Christianity. Paraphrasing, what he wrote was basically this: most men, looking for people who meet their own criteria, find their lists forever narrowing. The Christian, trying his best to like everyone, finds himself liking people that at one time, he could not have imagined. Naturally, Lewis was speaking on the topic of Christianity, but anyone can embrace the concept.

We should all be so wise.

Have a blessed, wonderful day!

Dr. Alex Loyd